Thursday, August 18, 2005

Three Bedouins and a Tribunal


Bunker is furnished like a Boardroom. 3 Saddam Husseins, an Iraqi General and a Concubine in a burkha sit around a large meeting table. Two guards stand to attention in the background, between them hangs an Iraqi flag.

GENERAL : Ok! stop messin about. Which one of you is it?

SADDAM 2 : Hai... am he.

CONCUBINE : I hope he is, he just pinched my ass.

All 3 Saddams jump to their feet, hands hovering over their holsters.

ALL SADDAMS : [Unison] I am Saddam. [Music box type tune begins to play]

GENERAL : [Counts them] Hang on! where,s the other one?

All saddams look at their feet whistling.

An Aid bursts into the room, gasping for breath

AID : It's Saddam. He's in the infirmary. He sliced off his finger whilst chopping Shallots

[Points to left hand]

One of the guards steps forward. It's a Robert Mitchum lookalike. He holds a wicked looking 'YAKUZA' knife. Flicks the blade with the ball of his thumb.

MITCHUM : Shall I play mum?

All 3 Saddams thrust their left hands into their trouser pockets.

SADDAM 1 : If I lost a few pounds I could do Charlie Chaplin. [Holds his left hand to his chest protectively]


The front end of a Cruise Missile appears through the wall 'PRESENT FOR SADDAM', written in black on the side.

The Concubine removes her Yazmak... It's a Meg Ryan lookalike

MEG : You got mai...ail !!!

ALL SADDAMS : [Pointing at each other] It's for him.


3 Saddams and half a Robert Mitchum exit crator left


Scene 2


3 Saddams stand in the dock, a small contingent of NATO representatives sit to the left. Various Courtroom officials are in position around the room. The judge presides

JUDGE: Saddam Abedneggar 'Lucille' Hussein. You stand before this court accused of War Crimes, Genocide, Breach of NATO resolutions and flicking bogeys at David Mellor on a trip to Baghdad in 1988... How do you plead?

SADDAM 3: [Turns to Saddam1] He's talking to you

SADDAM 1: [Stabs Saddam 2 in the chest with his finger]. You told him to say that

SADDAM 2: [Scouse accent] Hey Lah, wot's wiv the finger, Cum 'ead

Saddam 2 dances around trying to headbutt Saddam 1

DEFENCE LAWYER: M' Lud! I call for a mis-trial. We can't try three men for the crimes of one

PROSECUTOR: A suggestion Y' ronnor. It's known that the real Saddam has an abnormally large Todger. I simple comparison might solve the problem.

One of the NATO contingent stands and addresses the Judge

U.S. REPRESENTATIVE: If I may speak M' Lud? Saddam Hussien can't be identified by the size of his Wibbledy Wand. It's contrary to NATO agreements on U.S. foreign policy.

JUDGE: I don't understand.

U.S. REP: Section HV105/P2... A breach will deemed to have occurred if unfavourabe comparisons are made between any suspected War Criminal and the size of the Presidential Hampton. Furthermore, any negative discourse, whether public or private, on the size of the President's MR Pickle will be seen as an act of Terrorism©

The judge scratches his forehead and straightens his wig.

JUDGE: How inconvenient, So what is the size of the president's, hmmmm... Mr. Peanut?

U.S. REP: [Shaking his head] No... That’s Mr. Pickle M'Lud, I’m afraid that's under a 75 yr non-disclosure Sir. National security measure

JUDGE : Yes, quite. You may approach the bench; I'm cleared to the highest level.

U.S. Representative approaches the bench and whispers in the judges ear

JUDGE: [Smiling broadly] Really!!! Failed the Lewinsky test you say? My condolences to his stenographer. However, I think I see a way around our little [snigger] problem

The judge bangs his gavel and straightens his wig again

JUDGE: Bailiff? Bring me one of those Cuban Cigars and a Meat Cleaver.

[Looks at the dock with raised eyebrows].

JUDGE: On second thoughts Bailiff, make that a half corona.

Saddam 1 vaults from the dock and makes a run for it


Scene 3


3 Saddams are perched on a Camel. They are ill equipped for their journey.
Obviously they are suffering with the heat.

SADDAM 2 : Right what do we do now?

SADDAM 1 : [German accent] Vell, ve kan't go beck to ze 'Saddam trade'. Ze market hass kaput. Ya???

SADDAM 3 : What about the Pope? He has body doubles. All you have to do is put on a Dress, a big hat and pretend to be arthritic.

SADDAM 2 : Nah, we're too young, besides, anyway I don't fancy being a Pope. You have to wear the Fisherman's Ring.

SADDAM 3 : Don't they use lubrication? Y'know, cut down on friction.

SADDAM 2 : Don't be daft, it wouldn't get worn then would it?

SADDAM 1 : Vot a Boomer!!!

SADDAM 2 : Well at least the altar boys never have to genuflect in the Apse. Now, concentrate, what we really need is a disguise.

SADDAM 3 : I know... EuroDisney... We could do hospitality. They get to wear costumes

SADDAM 2 : I wouldn't want to get a job as the little mermaid... That tail gives me the willies

SADDAM 3 : I'm getting worried about you, What's all this about fishing and homosexuality?

SADDAM 2 : Something I heard about Michael Jackson performing on the net. O.K... Eurodisney it is


To be Continued…